Part One: Figuring Out What You Want

January 13, 2012

Yesterday I suggested we figure out what we need and then ask for it. I did a lot of thinking of about the question. I spend a lot of time with women (me included) and it is common for us to want others to read our minds. We rationalize that our body language and voice intonations should tell the story. In my self-exploration I realized that often I share extended sighs and eye rolls in an effort to communicate disgust or disapproval. This is not... asking for what I want. Instead it generally conveys disrespect to others and increases frustration in myself.

Yesterday I tried to figure out what I really want. Do I want to be alone, do I want help, do I want sympathy, or do I want affection. No one can read my mind. In fact if I don't know what I want then my friends, family and spouse are just stabbing in the dark trying to deposit love. When I spend a few minutes introspectively, I often figure out what is truly bothering me and it takes a small deposit to fill my love tank.

The unintended consequence of figuring out what I want... is an increase in my prayer life. When I feel overwhelmed emotionally and I stop to pray, I receive amazing clarity. The clarity allows me to see the problem differently and often identifies the steps I can take to affect change. When I pray and ask for "the peace that passes understanding" I are guided into truth.

Tip for the day: Figure out one thing that you would like today and identify who can meet the need and ask that person for it!

Ask... and in time you will receive!

It has been wayyyyy too many days since I last blogged. First my computer hard drive died and my computer went to the apple hospital. And when I finally got it back my family arrived from out of town to visit.

January 11, 2012
Last week I attempted to practice what I preach and ask my husband questions that might lead to intimacy. On one particular evening we were talking and I tried to explain how I felt when he doesn't answer my concerns. Objectively I know that he is thinking and processing my question, emotionally I feel like he is withdrawn and leaves me alone when he doesn't answer me immediately. Our conversation had an interesting outcome. He acknowledged my concern immediately but did not give me a response to the actual issue I was grappling with. Much later in the evening when we were in bed he sat up and gave me a very detailed plan on how to handle the problem I was facing with one of our children.

The experience was remarkable. I asked for what I wanted and he gave it to me in time. After his three sentence response to my problem I literally threw myself at him: hugging, kissing and thanking him.

Tip for the day: Figure out what you need or want from your spouse and ask for it!

The power of gratitude

January 3, 2012:

Yesterdays question was... "what are your hopes and fears for the new year?" This question must not have got to the heart of it with my spouse. The conversation was not memorable. Although Perry and I didn't wax eloquent for long on the topic.. I asked some other friends the question. And I thought about the idea personally, a lot.

My fear is of change. I like life to be predictable and in the month of January some "big rocks" in my life may change. One of them being my professional work. I asked the blog question before reading Chapter 4 in The Law of Happiness by Henry Cloud. The chapter title is: Happy People Don't Wait For "Someday". The Chapter highlights a few different Laws of Happiness and the one that stuck for me was "Living in the present will make your stress go down and your happiness go up." That became my answer as I shared about my hopes and fears. My hope for 2012 is that I will live in the present and savor the moments that are in front of me. I am expected to be a good steward, to prepare, to work, to complete the tasks assigned and then "leave it on the court," as they say in basketball. With basketball you train, prepare, have good sportsmanship, play hard and enjoy the team dinner after the game. Once I have completed the work, filled out the applications, finished the interviews, reviewed our budget, I can walk away and "let it go." This is a simple concept that is not easy. And it is my goal for 2012 - to "leave it on the court" and enjoy dinner with my family.

Tip for today: Pick one activity today that you do wholeheartedly. Go for a walk without your cell phone. Listen to your child after school without your PDA in hand. Look at your spouse in the eyes and hear what they say without words. Enjoy the moment!!!

Do I look fat in these jeans?

January 2:

I followed my own advice and asked my husband what part of his body he was most insecure about. The attempt at intimacy kinda back fired when he turned around and said: "What part of your body are you insecure about?" Ughhhh. So, I said well I don't like my love handles that hang over my jeans and the pooch under my belly button, and.... Next he asked: "What can I do to relieve your anxiety?" Many things ran through my head... like this isn't how it suppose to go. I'm suppose to feel closer to you, not more vulnerable. Then I thought: I have to report on this in my blog. I have to finish well. So, I told him that when he puts his arms around my waist, I feel like all he can feel is my fat. And he gently said, that is not what I feel but I will hug you any way you want me to. For the rest of the evening I thought about the exchange. And I came to the conclusion that even though the conversation was uncomfortable. I did feel closer to my spouse. The risk was worth it!

Ask your spouse: Where are you holding your stress today? What are your hopes and fears for the new year? Can I give you a massage? (Use generous amounts of massage oil.)

"Guilt-Free" sex

January 1:

According to Smalley and Cunningham, in The Language of Sex: "Creativity is healthy and can be enjoyed "guilt-free" and with greater passion than ever."

Today ask your spouse the question - What parts of your body are you insecure about? What can I do to ease those insecurities?

Great Sex for 2012

The magazines have begun to arrive with titles like: "A New You," "Half My Size" and "Start Over." My husband faithfully goes to the YMCA every morning. His work-out buddies all warned him that the gym would be flooded starting next week. So, I've been thinking, we all have goals, resolutions, new things we want to try... but how many of us focus on improving what we have.

Before I got married, January was marked by whether I was "in a relationship" or "not." And that was before the days of Facebook. For the past fifteen years I have evaluated the status of our relationship based on good years or bad ones. There have been very good years and very trying years and a bunch in between.

This year I am publicly declaring that I commit to keep the romance, love, affection, and steadfastness alive in my marriage. I believe that by making that commitment... it will secure Great Sex for 2012.

Over the next month... stay tuned for ideas to wake up romance and receive updates on my relationship progress.

It's Only Sheets

It has now been weeks since our new sheet purchase. The sheets have been changed, washed and changed again. We have become accustomed to them. The new-ness has worn off. My experience with our sheets reminds me of a conversation I had a long time ago. A friend of mine shared with me that she had invested literally thousands of dollars into her bedroom. She had bought 600 count egyptian cotton sheets and all the accessories. She had tried numerous scents on her pillowcase. She had lit candles and even tried electric candles that could burn all night. But no matter what she invested in her bedroom decor, the nightmares would not go away. She would sleep in her near perfect bed with the scent of lavender and the softness of silk but she still could not sleep through the night. What she realized was that it wasn't her bedsheets that were haunted.... it was her! It took her hours of talk-therapy, journalling, group and education to kill the demon that had taken up residence in her. Henry Cloud says that circumstances only change your mood by 10% for the good or for the bad. The sheets can only change our pillowtalk by 10% and once the new-ness wears off, we are left with the same talk. We have to do the hard work on our hearts to change our emotional set-point. Once our emotional set point changes our pillowtalk changes and everything else that happens between the sheets will change also. The bed linens are only a circumstance. It is ME who has to change: My thinking, my discplines, my choices and my HEART.