Monday, December 17, 2012

Presence is the Present

Brene Brown writes today that: "Story Matters!" It is true that our stories matter. The experiences of our life have value. This morning I watched the CNN Student News with my son. We watch the news every morning. This morning they did a tribute to the victims of SandyHook Elementary.

I began crying after five minutes of the broadcast. Every few minutes the screen would go black and show a name and age. My crying became weeping when the number 6 kept flashing on the screen. My son looked over at me and said : "Mom are you crying?" My crying was unmistakeable. And he awkwardly put his arm around my shoulder, trying to comfort me! All I could say was: "your sister is 6!"

My story matters, last Friday I walked to the bus stop to wait for my 6 year old, kindergarten student to get off the bus. She bounced down the bus steps and handed me her backpack just like every other school day afternoon. I hugged her with renewed appreciation that God had spared my daughter and given me another day with her and her another day to be 6! Thank you God ! My prayers are with the family and friends of those lost last Friday at the SandyHook tragedy!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The Power of Presence

Webster's Dictionary defines Presence as "existing or being present in a place." During the Holiday Season we often become preoccupied with shopping for the perfect gift. It is easy to become consumed with giving and getting presents. This year my husband and I have come face to face with the reality of this tough economy. We have limited resources to buy presents. Over Thanksgiving break, we talked and talked about how to "do" Christmas on our new budget. After lots of long walks and talks my husband suggested something revolutionary. He said: "Why don't we give the gift of presence." At first I thought his suggestion was cheesy. I "tried it on" by sharing the idea with our Elementary age girls. They were very invested in receiving "furby's" so they were not so happy about the gift of "presence." But as the weeks have gone by we have become more and more creative as a family. Now everyone is catching on to the idea. In fact... my husband said for the first time in our 15 years of marriage: "I love Christmas." We are giving the gift of presence. When we talk to each other... we look in one another's eyes. We turn off our cell phones and watch Christmas movies together. We instituted: The Christmas Angel. The Christmas angel is watching as we are secret angels to each other. This Christmas - our presence is the present.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The Art of Gratitude

"Anxiety weighs down the heart but a kind word cheers us up." Proverbs 12:25 There is a lie that we often believe: "That my pain and suffering is pointless. There's no reason to talk about it. (Redemption, M. Wilkerson p.54)." Anxiety, worry and stress is part of everyday life. We live in a whirlwind of technology, information and opportunity. It is easy to get caught off guard by anxiety. This Holiday season try the following remedy on. See if it fits you? *Identify the thing (conversation, situation, event) that caused you anxiety, stress or worry. By identifying the feeling and connecting it to the stressor, you are validating your feelings. *Next pay attention to your physiological response to the stressor you identified above. For instance: Did you heart rate increase, did you get a pit in your stomach, did you feel butterflies." *Finally link your bodies response to the experience and NAME IT. For instance: I feel anxious because 20 people are coming to my house for dinner and my house isn't as clean as I had hoped. or I feel anxious because my family is coming together for the Holiday and I know that 1/2 of them voted for Obama and the other 1/2 voted for Romney. The power of naming your stressor and identifying your physiological response will help you overcome those pesky "out bursts" or times that you lose your cool. Anxiety can often move us from processing in our frontal cortex (the organizing, strategic part of our brain) to the limbic system (Fight, Flight or Freeze). By following the formula above it will reduce "out bursts" or the behaviors that do not fit with your value system. For instance: those times when you say "I didn't like the way I handled that." The final step is to turn your anxiety, stress or worry on its ear. *Take a moment to look at the positive side of your stress. For instance: I'm stressed about how my boss treated me in the last staff meeting and I'm grateful to have a job. The art of gratitude is the acknowledge and appreciate what you have received. For more information about identifying stressors: www.simplypyschology.org/SRRS.html

Friday, November 9, 2012

What is it time for?

The whirlwind will not end. We survived the election but will we survive the Holidays. There will always be one more thing to do, to get or to achieve. The whirlwind will never end. The question is... what is it time for? What do you want to do today? King Solomon teaches this in Ecclesiastes. “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build. a time to weep and a time to laugh a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace, and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time to war and a time for peace.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 What is it your time for? Time to embrace or time to be alone? Time to work or time to spend time with your family? Time to accomplish or time to rest? If God is inviting you to rest... do it! There is a time for everything and that includes having fun!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

How do I know what I need?

My prayer request this week is: "Dear God, Help me figure out what I need, so that I can ask for it?" All week, I have struggled to figure out what I need. Thursday - I hosted prayer group, took my husband to lunch and then drove him to the airport. He left for Liberia, Africa and I picked up all the church and ministry responsibilities that he couldn't catch. Saturday - I changed my plans to go to my friends mom's funeral. Sunday - I preached at church, helped a friend learn how to use an application on the computer and then hosted my college roommate for dinner. Monday - I didn't make it to yoga, so I could rest. Instead, I went to the store to buy a ceramic heater and new insulated drapes and took a walk to call back all my missed calls. On the way home from my walk, I realized that I had cut out taking care of myself with yoga... to rest and then I didn't rest. So, Tuesday - I let the kids sleep in. I helped my daughter complete a difficult math assignment. I stole extra moments from the morning by skipping the bus and driving the girls to school. I sat with my son to listen before he got on the bus. Then I went to yoga. In the moment when my friend and yoga instructor - Linda - said "gather up your to do list and put it on hearts center." (Check out NewDayYogaandWellness.com) I listened, I breathed, and I asked myself: "What do I need?" I realized what I needed was a moment. Maybe a series of moment without my phone, without my computer, without my kids and husband. I prayed. I exhaled my "to do list." And God took it. My cheeks are still rosy. My thoughts were clearer while on my conference calls and now the writing and work I have to do next will need less editing and improving. I TOOK A MOMENT. May I give you permission to TAKE A MOMENT, STOP, AND GIVE YOUR "TO DO LIST" to God.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Who Am I? Part 2

"There is power in our story. Your story and my story are part of a greater story. the Bible tells the story of a people waiting to be delivered. Christ followers have the same journey as the Isrealites did, depicted in Genesis and Exodus. We follow the same pattern of forgiveness, redemption, erecting idols, then pulling them down and repenting before a Holy God." Excerpt from The Elijah Project www.touchedtwiceunited.org Yesterday I experienced a miracle in someone else that rippled over me. My friend had a few meetings scheduled with county agencies that promised to help her secure assistance to get back on her feet. I agreed to accompany her to the meetings. I am a non-violent, passive to a fault kind of person. My friend "puts up her dukes" at the first sign of conflict. The question: "Who am I?" was pallpable as we entered the social workers office to fill out the paperwork for assistance. I, for sure was the woman (previously) that belonged on the other side of the desk. In the past I was the woman with the answers, this time I was the one with all the questions. The day before yesterday, I was the woman comfortable, and then I found myself surrounded by people who had lost everything after choosing drugs or alcohol. I was uncomfortable. Who am I? I am lucky! Some would say, I am fortunate! Others would call me blessed. I can imagine myself as a Proverbs 31 woman because I had a mother and women in my life who chose education, faith, monogamy as an example. Yesterday, I was surrounded by women who had not experienced such a vision. Women who had felt so desperate they could only imagine numbing their pain with another hit or a drink, I was humbled. And then... after the miraculous county meetings, where my friend experienced grace and hope, I was told: "You were my liquid courage. Thank you for going with me today." My story intersected with her story and in the end... Jesus' story of forgiveness and redemption was clear. Who am I? I am a highly educated, gifted woman, given everything I could hope for or imagine with a loving husband and beautiful children. And the best gift of all, I was granted vision to see my story within God's Greatest Story ever told. Who am I? I am REDEEMED!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Who am I?

Have you ever asked yourself: "Who am I?" I have! I ask when I find myself in a mess like: Gossiping. Where I've talked about three different people and found myself in a pickle with the truth. There may be some truth in what I said but I was more interested in looking good myself rather than preserve the appearance of someone else. Today I am asking the question: "Who am I?" Where am I holding my stress, anxiety and frustration? What activities produce feelings like happiness, love and care. I am wondering what is on my heart. Well, to answer the questions honestly. I feel tempted to take things into my own hands. I am tempted to maintain my "rightness." I am tempted to focus on others faults rather than work on my own. For the rest of today... I desire to live in the moment I am in. I lit the candles in my kitchen. Cleared the clutter off my counter. Cleared my cardiac clutter by lifting my heart to God. I'm going to take a walk and talk with God. Saying out loud what he already knows: I am selfish, self-seeking and prideful. I know I am these things.... but God... Dear God.... I don't want to be this way.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

My Provider

Last week my husband and I were faced with a question. One that we are faced with often: "Will you help me?" This time it was a church member/friend who had gotten over her head and was being evicted. She was expected out of her apartment two days before school started, with no reserve money to start over. We prayed! And in one of those "Holy Spirit" moments when you know what to do even when it is opposite common sense we knew we were suppose to take them in. I was overwhelmed the night before we extended the offer. I was overwhelmed by the size of my house, my two adequate bathrooms and a clean, private, safe room that was a clear alternative to homelessness, camping or a car. The younger of the two daughters is in the same grade as my daughter. I was overwhelmed by the choices and opportunities I have had by the gift of a two-parent family, my father's steady income and educated parents that stressed education. I was overwhelmed by the apartment complexes and homes I have had the opportunity to live in. Jesus asked: "If you have two cloaks (two coats) give away the one." This time I had two bathrooms and HE asked me to share one for thirty days. What has surprised me... is by daring greatly.... God softened my heart and overwhelmed me with appreciation for my life! I John says: In this world there will be suffering. But I will bring you peace within your circumstances. He, The Father of all good gifts has brought me peace and helped me appreciate my life. Instead of wanting more or different, I feel content and overwhelmed by His good gifts.

Friday, July 20, 2012

The Sky is Falling.....

The Sky is Falling.... And What Jesus Has to Say About it! My kids love Disney’s adaptation of Chicken Little, a beloved children’s story. The movie follows the familar plot of Chicken Little. Chicken Little falsely rings the warning bell for the town after He is hit in the head with a mysterious piece of matter from the sky. As the story evolves Chicken Little and his friends attempt to save their town from aliens. Ok, it isn’t the traditional 19th century folklore but it resembles the story of Chicken Little being hit in the head with an acorn and his journey to tell the king. Some of the original stories end with Chicken Little and a group of feathery friends sharing the news with the king. Other versions end with a fox luring the group into his lair and eating them. Sometimes I feel like those who heard the news from Chicken Little as they question the validity of her claims. Everywhere we turn from politicians to news reporters someone is screaming: “The sky is falling.” There is little question as to whether or not the fears are true. The worldwide economic sky does appear to be falling. There are many predications as to how it will fall or when it will fall and who it will fall on; But the economic and political word on the street is that it is falling. I recently had lunch with a girlfriend who honestly shared that two years ago she questioned whether we were really in a recession. She would hear chatter about it but it just wasn’t truly effecting her. Today, she says: “I feel the recession.” This is not an economic or political expose - in fact I am neither an economist nor a politician. I am a committed Christ follower who has spent the past 15 years with other committed Christ followers preparing to share the Gospel by meeting human needs when “the sky falls.” History has shown that each economic downturn in the U.S. had been met with Spiritual revival until the year 1929 when the stock market crashed. That year, President Franklin E. Roosevelt enacted the New Deal. And the New Deal for all intents and purposes circumvented the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and put government in God’s place. It has taken 80 years to finally see the fall out of trusting an idol for manna rather than trusting God for provision. If history repeats itself the United States is in waiting for the Greatest Awakening of the past 100 years. Since 1996 Touched Twice United has been training churches, Christ-followers to touch their communities twice. The first touch is to meet the physical needs of community members with things like free medical exams, eye glasses, dental screenings, haircuts, groceries, legal services and more. The second touch is to share the reason for the first touch - Jesus’ love. Instead of looking at the “sky” as falling could this be the evangelism opportunity of a lifetime? After Christ’s resurrection He left instructions for his disciples to go into all the world preaching and teaching of His ways. The church was left as a physical expression of Love to a hurt and dying world. We, the church, are to bring Heaven to Earth. In that way the falling sky will look less like an alien attack and more like Jesus. "And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 20:3-4

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Twinkle Lights for the Soul



Brene Brown paints a beautiful picture of stringing twinkle lights in the swamp land of your soul. In this way the path is lit so we can find your way back to our wound. In college my social work professor Sybil Coleman likened soul work to weeding a garden. We begin at one end of the strawberry patch and by the time we get to the other side the weeds are resurfacing where we started.

Over the past few weeks I have been "weeding my garden" and "hanging up twinkle lights" in my soul. The process has been scary, frustrating, bewildering, tiring and sad. And.. it has been freeing, exhilarating, clarifying and exciting. Every few days I have taken a hold of my string of lights, armed with a journal and my Bible, and followed the thread back down into the dark.

On Saturday I finally had the guts to speak the humiliating memory I had journal led about during the week. My friend looked at me and said: "You are afraid of being EXPOSED!" With her words hanging in the air - God said: "I am light, and there is no darkness in Him at all." I John 1:5b

In an instant the Holy Spirit became the "twinkle lights in my soul." God says He will never leave us nor forsake us, so by welcoming the Holy Spirit into the swamp land of my soul, I am not longer alone. I have the power of light casting out all darkness, fear and shame.

Friday, March 16, 2012

The Lone Wolf


This winter our family went tubing (As highlighted in "The Truth"). We were the first few people on the mountain when the tubing hill opened. The snow guards gave us lots of extra attention and allowed us to combine tubes. For the first few trips down the mountain we went in different combinations. Mom and the girls, Dad and the girls, Mom or Dad with each girl.... For the first hour we asked our son to join us as a group. He refused our invitation saying: "I'm a lone wolf."

This became our expression. The four of us were a wolf pack and pleaded to invite the lone wolf to join us. At the bottom of the hill when the snow guard would tether us to the tow rope we would ask and he replied: "No, I'm a lone wolf."

As the tubing experience continued we created quite a path on the snow. Our family of four became very competitive trying to position our tubes in such a way that we would fly down the hill and beat our last distance. It had become apparent that adding a fifth wolf to our pack would in deed help us achieve our goal. I can't remember what turned the tide but the lone wolf finally agreed to join the pack and that slide was indeed, the fastest, funnest and longest ride of the day. At the end our daughter looked at our son and said: "Isn't it great to be part of a pack."

I think this is a great analogy for life. It only takes a few emotionally wounding experiences to encourage us to break out of the pack and become of loner. Statistics show that loneliness leads to dissatisfaction at home and work, depression and even suicide. The lesson is... get connected. Take a risk! Join a wolf pack!

Ringing The Bell


Wisconsin has been gifted with an early spring. Yesterday my daughter had her first bike ride as a 5 year old in 2012. I walked while she rode and I observed a most interesting phenomena. When she would approach an on-coming biker or walker she would ring her bell incessantly. She would ring her bell right up onto the other person. The pedestrian would then need to veer out of her way. I ran to catch her and suggested that she needed to stay in her lane. Her response: "But Mom I rang my bell." This gave me an opportunity to bring a gentle lesson in proper bike riding etiquette.

This experience got me thinking. People sometimes run over others with their words. In Taledega Nights, Ricky Bobby prefaced his difficult conversations with "In all due respect." At one point there is a show down when the other character says: "You can't just start your sentence that way and say anything you want." In order to achieve intimacy with others, people need to feel safe. When we feel defensive we close up. Whether your goal is friendship, courting or sexual intimacy - safety and openness is the key.

Next time you ring your bell, don't run the other person over. Pay attention to body language, listen to your companion, and keep an open posture. Believe me, you will see success!

Tip: Watch where your hands are when you are talking to a friend, family member or spouse. When I am conscious of my hands, I then tip my palms up. This automatically puts me in a open posture. The results may amaze you!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Truth

For years my husband has asked me to go skiing. I don't really know why I balked. Partly my rejection was financial... skiing is too expensive for our family. Partly for fear of injury... with limited insurance for broken bones. But ultimately I don't know why I hesitated.

When we started our family I had a vision. I was going to buy Gap and Gymborie clothes. We wouldn't leave home unless we looked like a postcard. Of course now I can't get my twelve year old son to wear a colored shirt if his life depended on it. And we don't have a Gymborie retailer within 3 hours of our home. I think skiing fit into that same vision. One day when we arrived (financially) we would have matching winter gear, so when we swooshed down the hill everyone would recognize our family as "having it all together."

So, last week I had an opportunity to look the skiing demon in the face. On Tuesday our family went skiing at Christmas Mountain Village in the Wisconsin Dells. The first plan was for the girls to ski with Dad while my son and I had some bonding time. At the base of the mountain after a million failed attempts to use the tow rope, our son decided he wanted to ski (to show the girls how it was done). So, I stood at the tow rope and picked up one kid after another and connected the kids with Dad or the rope to travel up and down the short bunny hill. There was very little swishing and no coordination - of outfits or body parts.

Later that evening while sitting in the outdoor hot tub, my husband shared that the day had not met his expectation. The one trip past the bunny hill was met with fear on the narrow icy paths of the hill. He explained that he had a vision of the snow falling, caressing the girls faces as they joyfully glided down the hill. Instead he was met by terrified expressions and frozen tears.

On Friday, our family spent the afternoon tubing. The weather was perfect. 38 degrees and light snow fall. The ski staff allowed folks to join their tubes together and go down the hill together. We got the "Polnaszek Glide-On" and found a rhythm as we slid down the mountain. Toward the end of our tubing adventure I was confronted with the truth. My tube led the way up the tow rope and looking down I saw mismatched, worn-out, wet and weathered snow gear. My youngest wearing a blaze orange ski mask, blue coat, red gloves and purple snow pants - we were a sight. The truth is our family is a tubing family. We laughed, joined hands, closed our eyes and sped down the hill. True joy on our faces and complete abandon as the snow surrounded our faces. The truth is that our family, dressed as vagabonds had fun and left our dream of ski bunny status on the hill! The truth is... we are REAL! We have unrealized expectations. We have dreams that don't come true. And we grow closer to each other as we travel through this messy journey called life together.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

You were created to give your heart away!


I came across this wonderful excerpt today from one of my favorite authors, Henry Nouwen. Take a moment to meditate on the idea that we were designed to give our hearts away.... designed to have them filled by God.

Stop Being a Pleaser

You have to let your father and Father figures go. You must stop seeing yourself through their eyes and trying to make them proud of you. For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you identity.
You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others and you did so quickly and easily.
But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and recalim your identity as a free self.

The Inner Voice of Love
Henry Nouwen

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The day after ....


Valentine was a dirty word in my past. I NEVER had a date and only received cards from my mother. The day epitomized the failure of my love life. During college a few of my single girlfriends made a pack to spend Valentine's eve together. We made it special, dressed up and enjoyed each others company. But I won't lie, I hated the reminder that I was dateless. For fifteen years I have had a Valentine. He is wonderful: unconditionally loving. He celebrated with me when I was skinny and when I wasn't. He talked to my belly when we were pregnant and celebrated my postpartum figure while enjoying our little gifts from God.

This year Valentine's Evening was spent in a unique way. We had a family dinner. We did our gift exchange with our kids. I gave him twizlers and he gave me a new desk chair (to help with my posture). The girl's did a Valentine's serenade complete with an umbrella and Perry's old hat. We later shared dinner with our friends and talked about our love languages and favorite memories.

Our evening wrapped up late. No time or energy for more romance. The next morning, after kids were at school and a few hours of work.. our creative sex life came alive. Post-romp, I laid wrapped up in our red sheets and found a satisfied smile. Who says love, romance, and Valentine's Day needs to fit a formula. It is the unexpected moments and unbridled passion that counts. NO matter what day it is shared on!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Part One: Figuring Out What You Want


January 13, 2012

Yesterday I suggested we figure out what we need and then ask for it. I did a lot of thinking of about the question. I spend a lot of time with women (me included) and it is common for us to want others to read our minds. We rationalize that our body language and voice intonations should tell the story. In my self-exploration I realized that often I share extended sighs and eye rolls in an effort to communicate disgust or disapproval. This is not... asking for what I want. Instead it generally conveys disrespect to others and increases frustration in myself.

Yesterday I tried to figure out what I really want. Do I want to be alone, do I want help, do I want sympathy, or do I want affection. No one can read my mind. In fact if I don't know what I want then my friends, family and spouse are just stabbing in the dark trying to deposit love. When I spend a few minutes introspectively, I often figure out what is truly bothering me and it takes a small deposit to fill my love tank.

The unintended consequence of figuring out what I want... is an increase in my prayer life. When I feel overwhelmed emotionally and I stop to pray, I receive amazing clarity. The clarity allows me to see the problem differently and often identifies the steps I can take to affect change. When I pray and ask for "the peace that passes understanding" I are guided into truth.

Tip for the day: Figure out one thing that you would like today and identify who can meet the need and ask that person for it!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Ask... and in time you will receive!


It has been wayyyyy too many days since I last blogged. First my computer hard drive died and my computer went to the apple hospital. And when I finally got it back my family arrived from out of town to visit.

January 11, 2012
Last week I attempted to practice what I preach and ask my husband questions that might lead to intimacy. On one particular evening we were talking and I tried to explain how I felt when he doesn't answer my concerns. Objectively I know that he is thinking and processing my question, emotionally I feel like he is withdrawn and leaves me alone when he doesn't answer me immediately. Our conversation had an interesting outcome. He acknowledged my concern immediately but did not give me a response to the actual issue I was grappling with. Much later in the evening when we were in bed he sat up and gave me a very detailed plan on how to handle the problem I was facing with one of our children.

The experience was remarkable. I asked for what I wanted and he gave it to me in time. After his three sentence response to my problem I literally threw myself at him: hugging, kissing and thanking him.

Tip for the day: Figure out what you need or want from your spouse and ask for it!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The power of gratitude


January 3, 2012:

Yesterdays question was... "what are your hopes and fears for the new year?" This question must not have got to the heart of it with my spouse. The conversation was not memorable. Although Perry and I didn't wax eloquent for long on the topic.. I asked some other friends the question. And I thought about the idea personally, a lot.

My fear is of change. I like life to be predictable and in the month of January some "big rocks" in my life may change. One of them being my professional work. I asked the blog question before reading Chapter 4 in The Law of Happiness by Henry Cloud. The chapter title is: Happy People Don't Wait For "Someday". The Chapter highlights a few different Laws of Happiness and the one that stuck for me was "Living in the present will make your stress go down and your happiness go up." That became my answer as I shared about my hopes and fears. My hope for 2012 is that I will live in the present and savor the moments that are in front of me. I am expected to be a good steward, to prepare, to work, to complete the tasks assigned and then "leave it on the court," as they say in basketball. With basketball you train, prepare, have good sportsmanship, play hard and enjoy the team dinner after the game. Once I have completed the work, filled out the applications, finished the interviews, reviewed our budget, I can walk away and "let it go." This is a simple concept that is not easy. And it is my goal for 2012 - to "leave it on the court" and enjoy dinner with my family.

Tip for today: Pick one activity today that you do wholeheartedly. Go for a walk without your cell phone. Listen to your child after school without your PDA in hand. Look at your spouse in the eyes and hear what they say without words. Enjoy the moment!!!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Do I look fat in these jeans?


January 2:

I followed my own advice and asked my husband what part of his body he was most insecure about. The attempt at intimacy kinda back fired when he turned around and said: "What part of your body are you insecure about?" Ughhhh. So, I said well I don't like my love handles that hang over my jeans and the pooch under my belly button, and.... Next he asked: "What can I do to relieve your anxiety?" Many things ran through my head... like this isn't how it suppose to go. I'm suppose to feel closer to you, not more vulnerable. Then I thought: I have to report on this in my blog. I have to finish well. So, I told him that when he puts his arms around my waist, I feel like all he can feel is my fat. And he gently said, that is not what I feel but I will hug you any way you want me to. For the rest of the evening I thought about the exchange. And I came to the conclusion that even though the conversation was uncomfortable. I did feel closer to my spouse. The risk was worth it!

Ask your spouse: Where are you holding your stress today? What are your hopes and fears for the new year? Can I give you a massage? (Use generous amounts of massage oil.)